If you were intrigued by Vice’s recent article “How to have a sex party” but still left wondering how to actually throw a sex party, don’t worry — we’ve got you covered!
Ask yourself the important questions first…
How many fucks do you have to give?
Fucks are the most practical unit for measuring a space’s capacity for a sex party. The amount of space one person takes up, when horizontal, padded to account for your preferred amount of personal space for the kind of event you want. (Swinger’s club? Might want to give everyone a 5-foot radius. Orgy pile? Psh, negative 9 inches!)
Since the personal space dimension is variable, fucks are not a universal unit of volume, which is why some people can give more than others. Get out your measuring tape and find out exactly how many fucks to give. You want to make sure you have enough room and resources for your guests, and you also don’t want the party to feel too sparse.
Play it safe(r)
According to Vice, “A good host should provide condoms, but it’s always worth bringing some of your own…”
No. ANY RESPONSIBLE HOST WILL provide condoms, and other barriers and safer sex supplies. Our recommended list of supplies?
- Barriers: condoms in many sizes, dental dams, female condoms, latex gloves
- Lube: water-based and silicon-based
- Baby wipes. In packaging that does not have babies on it.
- Paper towels
- Puppy pads (for squirters)
All of this fits conveniently in the Skubb organizer from Ikea, which you will find well stocked in every nook, corner, and cranny of an Organ House event. Remind everyone that sex toys can’t tell you when they were last tested for STDs and STIs, so they need protection, too.
If you are not prepared to have these on hand for your guests, then you are not prepared to responsibly host a sex party. Trust us — we host for about 200 people once a month, and we’ve been doing this for 3 straight years.
Rules of engagement
Don’t go to any event that doesn’t have a clearly codified and easily accessible policy on consent. Anyone who thinks consent is easy and obvious does not have a lot of experience hosting play events. If you want to throw your own event, use our policies. They’re freely available for anyone who needs them.
Consent is not as simple as “do unto others what you would have them do unto you.” Consent is complex, and it’s even more complex in group play spaces. Do your research.
Cleaning up an Orgy
You, and anyone else cleaning up, are now responsible for potentially hazardous bio-waste. Wear gloves while cleaning. And buy those people a damn pizza. Use Clorox wipes to clean surfaces. And I mean, anything and everything someone could have touched. Light switches. Faucet handles. Stair railings. The spatula, etc.
In my experience you”ll go through about 1 container of Clorox bleach wipes per every 50 guests. Are you concerned about the environment and want to use more eco-friendly cleaners? Then don’t throw a fucking sex party, because science is a safety requirement for cleaning up bodily fluids.
For your reference, a 200-person orgy results in about 100 pounds of laundry (sheets and towels — we have a shower and a sauna, so lots of towels.) This costs about $1 per pound to have laundered at our local laundromat.
Be very, very nice to the people at the local laundromat.
Throwing a sex party is hard work and a lot of responsibility. Why don’t you just come to ours instead?